01.31.25
Everyone Doesn’t Hate You (But Here’s Why You Think They Do)
Let's talk about the liking gap.
Picture this: You just had a conversation at a party and as you walk away, your brain lights up with not-so-delightful commentary like, Wow, that was awkward. Did I talk too much? Too little? They definitely think I’m the most unlikable person alive. If this sounds familiar, congratulations—you’re human! But here’s the twist: Odds are, they don’t hate you. They probably liked you more than you think, and there’s research to back that up. Enter: the liking gap.
What is the liking gap?
The liking gap is a term researchers use to describe the difference between how much you think someone enjoyed your company and how much they actually did. Spoiler alert: They probably liked you more than you assume. Phew!
A 2018 study published in the journal Psychological Science found that we tend to underestimate how much people enjoy interacting with us. Why? Because we focus on our own insecurities and overanalyze our performance in the conversation, while the other person is likely just enjoying your vibe and not dissecting your every word.
Let’s bring this into real life: You’re chatting with a coworker and feel like you’re rambling about your weekend. Afterward, you think, Ugh, why did I tell that long story about my cat? Meanwhile, your coworker is probably thinking, That was such a fun chat. I should ask about their cat next time!
Now, before you start assuming you’re the belle of every conversational ball, it’s worth noting there are times when the liking gap isn’t at play. For example, if someone is actively avoiding eye contact, giving one-word answers, or physically inching away from you like you’re contagious…yeah, you might be picking up on a genuinely bad vibe. But in most cases, that sinking feeling of they hate me is more about your own inner critic than their actual perception.
How to stop assuming everyone hates you
Now that you know the liking gap exists, how do you quiet that inner monologue telling you you’re the worst? Here are a few tips:
1. Remind yourself that this is really a research-backed thing.
When you catch yourself spiraling into self-doubt after a conversation, pause and think, Oh yeah, this is just the liking gap talking. The science says I’m probably overthinking this, so I’m going to let it go. Being a science nerd finally pays off!
2. Focus on the other person.
Instead of critiquing your every word, shift your attention to the other person. Were they laughing, smiling, or engaging with you? These are clear signs they’re enjoying the interaction. Love your curiosity!
3. Try to stay grounded in the conversation.
When you focus on what’s being said instead of overthinking your own words, you’re less likely to spiral. Try an active listening trick: make eye contact, nod, or reflect back something they said, like, “That sounds amazing—tell me more!” Staying present not only keeps your mind off self-criticism, but it also makes you more engaging. You’re so likable!
4. Practice self-compassion.
Be kind to yourself. Conversations aren’t meant to be performances. If you fumbled a word or told a less-than-thrilling story, so what? People aren’t as harsh on you as you are on yourself. Imperfection is hot!
5. Ask for feedback.
If you’re still stuck in a spiral of self-doubt, you can always check in with someone you trust. A simple, “Hey, was I rambling too much?” can often be met with reassurance that you were totally fine (or even delightful). Very brave vulnerability!
6. Keep perspective.
Finally, remember that people are usually way more focused on themselves than they are on you. They’re likely replaying their own words and wondering what you thought of them. Everyone’s insecure, which, you know, isn’t great, but for the purposes of this article is hopefully at least a little reassuring.
Here’s the thing: Nobody leaves every conversation thinking, I crushed that. But the next time you find yourself spiraling into, Wow, I’m the worst, give yourself a little grace. Chances are, the other person walked away thinking, Wow, what a great chat.
So, let’s make a pact: No more assuming everyone hates you. You’re probably way more likable than you give yourself credit for. And hey, your cat story? It was charming. Trust me.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
