11.27.24
7 Ways to Build Emotional Intimacy In Your Relationships
“Let’s get emotional, emotional!”
When you think of couples who always seem happy together, you might picture that one PDA-heavy pair on your recent flight or your friend and their partner who insist they go everywhere together. Being physically close is cool and all, but not having that security on a feelings level too (aka emotional intimacy) can make it hard to sustain a lasting romantic relationship, says couples and sex therapist Rich Domenico, LICSW.
Emotional intimacy means being open to learning new things about someone without judgment—and vice versa. It’s a “safe, emotional connection, where people feel like they can share their innermost thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams—and that the other person will respond with curiosity, empathy, and kindness,” explains couples therapist and clinical psychologist Isabelle Morley, PsyD. Domenico agrees, saying it’s a bond where you know and accept each other on a deep level, including imperfections and vulnerabilities.
When you have this connection with anyone—especially a romantic partner—you fulfill a need that pretty much every human has: to be understood, says Domenico. Without it, you can get very lonely, even when you’re in a relationship, he notes. Plus, you might feel a sense of rejection, which can hurt, amplify your insecurities, and pressure you to say or do things a certain way to maintain your relationship, according to Dr. Morley.
While emotional intimacy feels like being able to talk freely about anything, not having it feels like the opposite. Maybe your chemistry and compatibility seems top-notch, but one of you is emotionally unavailable (or both of you are) so the whole thing feels a little surface level. Conversations are kind of superficial, notes Domenico. Maybe you refrain from sharing your wants and/or needs altogether, says Dr. Morley. You might also have a hunch that something is missing, even if you can’t fully suss out what it is, Domenico adds.
All of this points to intimacy issues, but working on your emotional bond isn’t just for people who are in that boat. You can always learn more about your partner because they're constantly changing, says Dr. Morley.
Ahead, we have expert-backed tips for building emotional intimacy with people you’re dating or in a committed relationship with. It might not be a breeze—and both of you need to be game for the work—but it’s definitely worth the connection!
1. Get (and stay) curious.
Talking about more than just how your day went is a great place to start when building emotional intimacy. And initiating these more-than-surface-level convos shows the person that you’re genuinely interested in getting to know them on a deeper level. “We feel like we're bugging people with our thoughts and feelings, asking them to find time and wondering if they're interested. So initiating shows that being close to them is important to you,” says Dr. Morley. “You care enough to make the time in a world where there is no time. That speaks volumes and makes people feel safe and heard and appreciated,” she adds.
Instead of just asking how their day was, check in about anything specific (like a meeting or lunch), suggests Dr. Morley. And encourage them to keep sharing so your convo flows. Open-ended questions—"How do you feel about _____?" or "What do you hope comes from that?"—are typically better than those of the yes/no variety, she adds.
If you need additional inspo, Dr. Morley suggests playing therapist Esther Perel’s conversation-starter card game. Or, you can check out these questions for couples. You can even make this a weekly check-in, where you bring a few questions or things you want to tell each other to date-night dinner, she says.
2. Make vulnerable chats more of a thing.
Knowing the little things about your partner—like what ice cream they love, their favorite movie, and what side of the bed they prefer to sleep on—is nice and can show that you care. But emotional intimacy comes when you learn the deeper, more vulnerable things about each other—stuff that might feel risky to say—and you’re there for them anyway, notes Domenico.
So the next time you feel nervous to tell your partner something you’re ashamed of, an issue you have with them, or uncomfortable emotions you’re experiencing, try to let it out, Domenico says. That said, be mindful of timing. Domenico suggests testing the waters before dropping a vulnerability bomb. You can try, “Is now a good time to check in about something?” or, “I’ve been wanting to share something kinda serious with you—do you mind if we go deep for a minute?”
When you’re on the receiving end of a vulnerable chat, don’t forget to help the sharer feel comfortable by confirming when you’re ready to talk and by showing that you actually want to hear what they have to say, notes Domenico. You can make it a point to pay attention, comfort them physically (if you’re with them), and ask follow-up questions, he says. (FYI, a lot of this is part of active listening.)
3. Don’t run away from conflict.
We’re not telling you to start a fight with your fiancé for the hell of it. But being the couple that never fights doesn’t necessarily mean you’re crushing it in the emotional intimacy department. Dealing with issues when they inevitably come up and practicing your conflict management skills helps you learn how to respectfully navigate hard things together, says Domenico.
When it comes to working through conflict, try empathizing with how the other person’s feeling and apologizing when needed, says Dr. Morley. Also, don’t be afraid to take a mid-fight break when things get too heated, she notes.
Then, regrouping after conflict to assess how you both could have handled things better shows that you’re willing to be vulnerable and learn more about one another and your relationship. “When you're in a fight, you're not your best self. But, you can come back and say, ‘Hey, what about that felt terrible for you? What could I have done differently that would've made you feel more heard or less anxious? Did I do anything that helped you feel like I was listening?’” notes Dr. Morley. “If you invite that feedback, that makes people feel like, even in the worst moments and the hardest times, you are still interested in understanding each other and improving things.”
4. Do new things together.
Sure, doing anything fun with your partner—like watching true crime documentaries or going on a bar crawl in your favorite city—can help you bond. That said, choosing an activity that’s new for both of you can build emotional intimacy because you’re risking embarrassment in front of each other, notes Dr. Morley. Again, it’s about vulnerability. “Whether that's failing, looking silly, getting angry…it just gives you an opportunity for a novel experience to bring up conversation, feelings, fears, whatever it might be,” she says. (And, yeah, it could also be fun!)
So try a TikTok dance for the first time. Learn a new language. Take up gardening or tennis. Explore a brand new place together. It can be literally anything as long as you’re getting out of your comfort zone!
5. Do show and tell with old photos.
We’ve already established that emotional intimacy means trusting and knowing each other. Sharing nostalgic photos with your partner (and vice versa) is another way to be vulnerable because you’re letting them see a part of you that they’ve maybe never seen before, explains clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD, who works with individuals and couples. Photos also usually come with context about yourself, how you grew up, or your family, and, a lot of the time, diving into that can help you build a sense of safety between you, he notes.
Find a time free from distractions to swap photos and the meaningful stories behind them. You can even do this in the weekly check-in that Dr. Morley talked about earlier. Whatever works for you!
6. Show physical affection.
OK, yes, we know this sounds more like physical intimacy, but hear us out. Being affectionate with your partner is another form of vulnerability that can boost emotional intimacy because it shows warmth and security, says Domenico. We’re not talking about sexual stuff, per se. Domenico suggests anything other than that, if you are open to it, to comfort each other and make each other feel safe. Think: cuddling, hugging, holding hands, massages.
If you want to get super specific, Dr. Howes suggests a five-minute hug. “Take a relaxing, deep breath, and give one another a long embrace,” he instructs. “Just breathe into the moment and receive the love and warmth from your partner.” Being held can really make you feel emotionally close, says Dr. Howes. Give it a try—and you might get to talking while you’re at it!
7. Try going to therapy together.
Emotional intimacy can be hard for people who aren’t used to disclosing their feelings or don’t trust others due to past hurt or trauma, says Domenico. So that’s why having a third-party therapist, especially a couples therapist, can help guide these conversations.
Generally, you want to see a mental health professional before you’re having huge problems in your relationship, notes Dr. Morley. But couples counseling can be helpful at almost any stage of the relationship—whether you feel slightly disconnected or you’re about to give up.
Aside from working through barriers that might be getting in the way of emotional intimacy, you can learn effective communication skills in therapy, notes Dr. Morley. Plus, just having that designated space with a mental health pro prioritizes getting deeper with your partner when you otherwise might not have the time, she says.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
