11.26.24
6 Signs It’s Time to Go “No Contact”
If you’ve done the work and it’s still not working, read this.
“The last time I saw my mom, I didn’t know that would be the last time I would see her. And no, she’s not dead. We’re just no contact.” So begins a five-minute TikTok video. In it, a woman shares exactly what went down when she decided to cut things off with her mom for good: “I was fed up,” the creator Ashley D. said. “I’m just done with it, I’m not about to stay here to take this mental and verbal abuse just because I’m scared to be by myself.”
Ashley’s story, sadly, is not unique. Going no contact—the idea of having limited to zero communication or interactions with a person—is the subject of hundreds of thousands of videos on TikTok. Whether it’s adult children talking about cutting off their parents after years of mistreatment, therapists weighing in on why it happens and how to navigate it, or parents grieving their children’s estrangement, the anecdotes keep rolling in.
It’s fairly taboo in most cultures to just cut ties with your family. (Blood is thicker than water, yadda, yadda, yadda.) But, sometimes, ending a relationship is necessary to protect your peace. “[No contact is] ultimately a person saying, ‘This relationship has become so unmanageable for me, and staying in contact is no longer an option,’” says Whitney Goodman, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist and co-founder at Calling Home who specializes in adult family relationships.
In other words, no contact is kind of like a “break glass in case of emergency” option for truly toxic relationships. “A lot of people who do not have experience with it assume that people go no contact after one disagreement,” says Kristen Gingrich, LCSW, a therapist and co-host of the Welcome to Group Therapy podcast. “The reality is that most of the time…it is after months, weeks, years of constant boundary violations, toxic behaviors, unsafe interactions, that have finally reached a peak.”
How do you know if it’s right for you? We talked to some therapists to get the lowdown.
What does no contact mean?
In its simplest terms, going no contact means that you’re no longer speaking to someone, says Goodman. It’s something someone does when a relationship cannot continue in its current form (or exist at all) because of how it’s affecting your mental health and well-being, says Gingrich. She says it typically applies to family relationships, but it can also be used in the context of romantic relationships or friendships.
Even though “no contact” sounds pretty cut and dry, it can actually exist on a spectrum (much like family estrangement). On one end is the total cut off, says Tracy Ross, LCSW, a couples and family therapist. “You're not talking to the person. You're not answering any emails, phone calls, any outreach, and there's literally no contact,” she says. Then you have more of a partial cut-off, where you might still see that person at Thanksgiving or Grandma’s 80th birthday party, but otherwise you don’t interact with them, she says.
At the other end is what Gingrich calls “low contact,” where a person makes very intentional, limited decisions on when to engage with someone—say, a short phone call on birthdays or exchanging cards on the holidays.
Going no contact might be based on specific conditions rather than a permanent state, adds Goodman. You might decide not to speak to a person unless a problematic behavior changes, or until they commit to attending therapy with you.
How a person defines no contact ultimately depends on their specific circumstances. Say you want to go no contact with your estranged father, but don’t want to lose ties with his side of the family. You might have to accept that you will still see him on holidays and proceed accordingly. Basically, your interpretation of no contact is valid, Gingrich says.
That said, remember that no contact is meant to be a last-case scenario, not something you invoke right away with difficult family members or the friend that posts questionable stuff on Facebook. No contact is essentially the end of that relationship as you both know it—and experts caution against using that to avoid an awkward or uncomfortable conversation with every person you don’t get along with. “I would not cut off before giving [the relationship] a real try, and seeing if the person is open to understanding or willing to take responsibility,” says Ross. “Try to address the conflict." Because, as we’ll discuss shortly, the consequences for no contact can be steep—and require some very serious consideration.
6 signs no contact could be right for you
Deciding whether to cut someone out of your life (completely or partially) ) can feel complicated and loaded, even if you know it’s a solid option. Here, experts share several scenarios when it’s worth reevaluating how much contact you have with them.
1. It’s a physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive relationship.
All three experts say going no contact with someone who is consistently causing harm—whether it’s verbal abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, or other cruel treatment—might be your best option to stay safe. They’re not entitled to treat you this way, says Goodman.
2. Spending time with them sends you into self-destruction mode.
“If someone is encouraging you to harm yourself or promotes self-destructive behavior, they’re likely not a positive influence in your life,” says Goodman. This could manifest in a bunch of different ways—say, a risk-loving friend constantly peer-pressures you into doing dangerous stuff when you’re together, or your mom’s constant criticism or cruelty triggers you and makes it hard to maintain your sobriety. (Not liking who you are or what you turn into with that person is another troubling sign, adds Gingrich.) In those kinds of cases, going no contact or low contact would likely be essential for your mental or physical health.
3. They’re legit ruining your mental health.
If you consistently feel like spending time with someone leaves you “more harmed than helped,” limiting contact with them might improve your life, Gingrich says.
This might not seem that serious in one-off incidents, but over time, sustained contact with a person who makes you feel awful can be toxic to your well-being and your shared relationships, says Ross. Take an overly-involved mother who uses you like a free therapist, she says—without boundaries, you might struggle to have your own life because you’re so caught up in hers. Or if your super conservative father-in-law always picks on you at family gatherings, it could cause tension between you and your partner and other relationships.
Since this isn’t straight-up abuse, you might feel conflicted. When that’s the case, you can ask yourself, How does this person behave 90 percent of the time? What is it like when you see them? How does it feel after you’ve spent time with them? says Goodman. Those Qs can help you get a clearer picture of how they’re affecting you. “Limiting your time with these people and setting specific boundaries if you need to be around them is important,” she adds.
4. They constantly dismiss your boundaries and they refuse to take accountability or work to salvage the relationship.
The goal of boundaries is to help people maintain healthy relationships—not keep them apart. Of course, creating guardrails doesn't necessarily mean the people in your life will stay within them. And if they keep disrespecting those boundaries, even with reminders, they might just not be willing to change their behavior.
“I believe that if someone is being hateful and they have been told how this is hurting you, yet they continue to do so, this is a person who does not have your best interest at heart,” says Goodman. “They are likely not capable of having a reciprocal healthy relationship with you.”
This can be really disheartening when you want this person in your life, but sometimes there may be specific things you need and they’re unwilling to budge on—whether it’s finally accepting your sexuality, not criticizing your weight every chance they get, or simply avoiding the topic of politics or religion when you get together. If they know how important this boundary is to you and they still refuse to compromise in a way that lets you maintain a relationship, it’s hard to find a path forward.
5. You’ve tried literally everything to make a relationship work.
To an outside observer, completely cutting someone off might seem extreme. But, as we said, people rarely go no contact because of one disagreement. Going no contact usually happens after someone has done everything in their power to repair the relationship, says Goodman.
Things like setting boundaries, seeing someone less often, and addressing their behavior head-on can all help to heal a messy relationship. But if they don’t make a dent in the chaos, change might not be possible for them. That means you’d have to sacrifice your own needs and emotional health for the sake of staying in contact with them. Is that worth it? Maybe! But also maybe not.
“I think once people accept who the other person is, and maybe get clear on, ‘I can't make them change,’ they're able to make the best decision for themselves,” Goodman says.
6. You’ve accepted the consequences.
Regardless of how necessary it may be for you or your family, all three experts say that going no contact can come with steep ramifications. “There’s a lot of loss,” Ross says. Sometimes that loss is the relationship with the person you’re going no contact with, other times it’s the loss of connection to the other people involved in your relationship, like extended family or mutual friends.
When it comes to family, siblings can get caught in the middle, as can family gatherings, funerals, and sick family members. “All of this stuff becomes really complicated in a different way when you’ve gone no contact with someone.”
“Going no contact for me meant that I lost my mother,” says Gingrich. “My child will never know his grandmother.”
OK, so what do I do now?
Feeling personally victimized by everything on this list? It’s time to start talking about this with a trusted person—a therapist, a support group, or a really good friend, says Goodman. This can help you work through the decision and process the consequences.
Sometimes, people find that all of the therapy and boundary resetting in the world isn’t enough. “A lot of people start this process from the lens of, ‘How can I make this person change so that they can be in my life?’” Goodman says. But that doesn’t always work, she adds.
Instead, consider what you can do to protect yourself or shift the terms of the relationship so it works better for you. Sometimes that means going no contact, says Goodman. Other times, it might mean just seeing someone periodically, or only talking to them on the phone once a year.
If you're really struggling in a relationship with someone toxic, it’s good to know this option exists if you need it. And it’s a valid one. “Adults get to decide who's in their life no matter what,” says Goodman.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
