11.15.24
How to Be More Vulnerable—And Why It Matters in Relationships
No, it doesn't make you look weak.
Vulnerability is one of those buzzwords that seems to be everywhere these days. We see it in headlines celebrating celebrities for being open about their health struggles. It comes up at work, where vulnerability is touted as a “soft skill” that can make us more effective leaders. And, if you're in therapy (or watch one of the many popular shows about therapy like Shrinking), maybe you’ve heard that vulnerability is a superpower that can deepen our relationships.
Sounds great in theory, but actually being vulnerable can often leave us with the anxious feeling that we’ve revealed too much (AKA a vulnerability hangover). Brené Brown, a leading researcher on the topic, has described vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” In other words, it’s not something most of us are super comfortable doling out to just anyone.
So, why should we risk putting ourselves out there? We asked mental health pros how being vulnerable can benefit our relationships, and what it might actually look and feel like in practice (because, no, it’s not the same as trauma dumping). Plus, they share some expert tips for being more vulnerable—even if it doesn’t come naturally to you.
What is vulnerability?
“Vulnerability is our willingness to be open, honest, and transparent—even when there is potential for harm or rejection to come our way,” says relationship expert Morgan Cutlip, PhD.
By definition, being vulnerable requires taking a risk and opening yourself up to emotional wounds—for example, you might be judged, misunderstood, or not get the response you were hoping for, says psychologist Jessica January Behr, PsyD. (According to Merriam-Webster, vulnerability is derived from the Latin noun vulnus, meaning “wound.”)
Of course, vulnerability can take on many forms depending on the situation and relationship, but at its core it's about showing up as our true selves, “without hiding behind a polished version of who we think we should be,” says psychotherapist Rachel Wright, LMFT.
“In a romantic or sexual relationship, it might mean sharing your fears or insecurities or discussing your needs or desires,” Wright says. Maybe that’s sharing something you want to try in bed at the risk they’ll laugh or judge you. Or maybe it’s admitting that you felt insecure when you saw your partner talking to their attractive colleague at their work dinner—at the risk of them getting irritated or even offended.
With friends or family, vulnerability might look like asking for support when you’re going through something hard or opening up about something deeply personal, Wright says. For example, maybe that’s sharing with a parent or sibling that you’ve been struggling with depression—at the risk that they might brush you off or minimize your symptoms.
At work, it might mean opening up to your boss or coworkers about something going on in your personal life that’s affecting your performance—even if you’re worried that it might impact how they think of you and your work. You could also show vulnerability by owning up to a mistake or speaking up about an idea that feels risky but important to you, Wright says.
It probably goes without saying that being vulnerable can be scary. “Vulnerability can often leave us feeling ‘naked’ or highly visible in ways that feel uncomfortable if we are not used to allowing ourselves to be seen,” says Moe Ari Brown, LMFT. “People often see vulnerability as a weakness to be hidden.” In reality, it’s quite the opposite. And, sometimes, being vulnerable can even feel freeing, exhilarating, and empowering, Wright says.
Why is vulnerability important in relationships?
Considering how uncomfortable it can be to get vulnerable, you’re probably wondering what the pay-off is. Here’s the gist: “While you risk getting hurt, you also give yourself the chance to grow closer to someone,” Dr. Behr says. It makes sense: If we aren’t able to let our guard down and express how we really feel, it’s hard to build authentic bonds or have relationships that go deeper than surface level, she says.
When you share your worries or fears, even at the risk of rejection, you’re also showing the other person that you can trust them with your innermost feelings, Dr. Cutlip says. And despite those worst-case scenarios you’ve worked out in your head, people often respond to vulnerability with compassion and empathy, she says.
Vulnerability can also be a helpful, productive way to approach confrontation in relationships, says Dr. Cutlip. Instead of coming in hot with anger or resentment, taking a softer and more vulnerable approach can foster connection and make the other person feel less defensive.
Lastly, trusting someone with your emotions also shows that you’re a safe person to share with as well. This builds emotional reciprocity—one of the most important factors in any kind of relationship, Dr. Behr says.
How to be more vulnerable.
If you struggle with sharing your emotions or allowing others to help you, you might need to strengthen your vulnerability muscles. Here’s what the experts recommend.
1. Don’t confuse vulnerability with oversharing.
“Vulnerability isn’t about oversharing or putting it all out there with everyone we meet—it’s about mindfully allowing others to see parts of us that are genuine and sometimes tender or sensitive or scary to share,” says Wright.
How to tell the difference? “Oversharing” usually happens when what we’re sharing isn’t appropriate for the type of relationship or the level of the relationship, Brown says. For instance, let’s say you have ADHD and are running late for a first date. Sharing the ins and outs of your diagnosis or current medications would be oversharing—you just met this person! On the other hand, Brown says, being vulnerable could mean apologizing and sharing that your ADHD symptoms sometimes impact your ability to be on time.
Vulnerability should allow the other person to understand you better but it should also strengthen the connection between you—this is a key difference with oversharing or trauma dumping, which tend to have the opposite effect, Brown says.
2. Start small.
“Like any skill, getting better at vulnerability requires practice,” Dr. Cutlip says. “Start by sharing something small and meaningful with the person in your life who feels safest and most understanding.”
For example, maybe instead of defaulting to “I’m fine” when a friend asks you about your day, you share that actually, you’re really struggling with negative self-talk right now.
This practice will make it easier to be vulnerable in relationships that aren’t your “safest.” For example, when your coworker asks how things are going on the project you’re working on, instead of pretending you aren’t drowning, maybe you’ll feel comfortable saying that you’re overwhelmed with the workload and could use help.
3. Stop and think—then use “I” statements.
When you’re doing it right, vulnerability invites people into your experiences and keeps them from going on the defense, Brown says. The problem is, we tend to use observations and judgments rather than sharing our own feelings and desires—think: “you feel” or “you seem” statements rather ”I feel” or “I want” statements.
For example, maybe you’re unhappy with the way things are going with someone you’re dating. You’re worried about showing how much you care, so you send a nonchalant text like, “You seem distant. I’m guessing from how spotty your communication has been, you don’t want to talk anymore. I’m not sure how you feel because you never text back!”
By avoiding sharing your wants or desires or opening up a conversation, you’re not being vulnerable or inviting it in return. Instead, Brown suggests trying something like, “I want to keep talking to you and getting to know you. What works best for me in relationships is consistent communication where we have some touch base throughout the week. I feel sad when you don’t text back because I want to hear from you. Is there a reason for that?”
Especially if you’re feeling frustrated or angry, stop and reframe before you speak—the most vulnerable thing to say probably isn’t the thing that pops in your head first, Brown says.
4. Don’t wait for the right moment.
You know how everyone always says you’ll never feel fully ready to have kids? Well, vulnerability is a bit like that too in that you may never feel completely comfortable before taking the leap.
Rather than waiting until you feel fully ready, Dr. Cutlip suggests taking action before the “right” feeling arrives to build your confidence. Most of the time, she says, those feelings of readiness will develop after you take the first step.
“Too often, we listen to the fear that tells us that vulnerability will expose us, so we should just be quiet or something bad will happen,” Brown says. When that happens, try to silence that inner critic, and remember: It’s normal to feel scared or a little cringe, Brown says. “Do it scared.”
5. Remember to listen.
When we finally get something off our chest we’ve been wanting to share, it might feel like we should get a vulnerability gold star and pack it in. But real, connection-building vulnerability isn’t a one-way street. “It’s important to encourage others to be vulnerable back by listening as much as you share,” Wright says.
Sometimes, vulnerability means asking hard questions when you are afraid of the answers, Dr. Behr says. Still, it’s important to listen. If you’re struggling to see the other person’s POV (for example, when talking about your differing political views), lean into curiosity.
“Curiosity supercharges your ability to remain open, especially when experiencing conflict,” Brown says. “Curiosity is a powerful tool for vulnerability.”
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
