11.14.24
6 Conflict Management Tips for Anyone Feeling Extra Heated Right Now
Turns out, avoidance is not the answer.
Whether it’s a coworker overstepping, a friend bailing on plans last minute (again), or your dad being rude just to “rile you up,” there are about a million things that can cause conflict. It’s a damn minefield out there. And without solid conflict management skills, you can feel stuck, lost, or just perpetually pissed off. Not ideal.
In case you missed this lesson: Conflict happens when we have different points of view, make mistakes, or get caught in miscommunication traps, says licensed therapist Erica R. Turner, LMFT, co-host of S* Your Therapist Reads.
When any of that goes down, conflict management can help you share your feelings, hear the other person out, tolerate the discomfort of it all, and find a way to repair the situation or just move forward in some way, says licensed therapist Mallory Wolfgramm, LMFT. Those skills can strengthen relationships you care about, she adds. And for those people you don’t especially enjoy, conflict management enables you to co-exist with less tension.
If you’re ready to conflict manage like a pro, here are the strategies therapists recommend to their clients.
1. Check in with yourself.
When the email from your work nemesis hits your inbox or your brother says that thing he knows will set you off, hit pause before going into confrontation mode. When we’re wrapped up in our emotional reaction, especially anger or hurt, we can respond in a way we regret, says Wolfgramm. Big feelings can also make it harder to process information, which could lead to miscommunications. Maybe what they said wasn’t actually what you heard? It happens.
So, if your heart is racing, you feel hot, or you’ve got a pit in your stomach, taking a beat can help you get into a clearer headspace. From there, you can choose your words carefully, listen closely, and problem-solve effectively, notes Wolfgramm.
To get to a calmer place, try a self-soothing exercise, like the 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you name five things you can see, four you can touch or feel, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. You can also get clarity by journaling, taking a walk, or calling a friend to vent.
If you hate confrontation, you might be tempted to stop here and just pretend this whole thing never happened, which isn’t always helpful in the long run. Conflict avoidance usually backfires in one way or another, notes Wolfgramm. So don’t make this first step in conflict management your last.
2. Assess the problem.
Once you’re more calm, you can get a feel of what’s really going on here and the best way forward. Ask yourself, Who is my beef with, are they worth it, and what do I want to get out of this interaction?
It sounds simple, but if your struggle is with someone you care about or interact with frequently, that’s more important to resolve than a bot trash-talking you in the comments. Assuming you feel emotionally and physically safe with this person, it‘s probably worth getting to the bottom of the issue with them, says Wolfgramm.
Then, try to be real about your expectations. What do you need to feel better and can this person give that to you? Asking yourself these Qs can help you decide if seeking a resolution is even possible. Maybe you know they’ll never see your side or what you really want is to make them feel bad about what they did. When that’s the case, you're not going to have a healthy conversation, says Turner.
If they’re not worth it, you don’t feel safe, or your ideal outcome is unrealistic (or just petty), it’s time to settle this on your own, says Wolfgramm. Instead of attempting to manage the situation with the person involved, speak with someone who can understand where you’re coming from, like a therapist or another loved one.
Venting can help you name your feelings, acknowledge that there is a problem, and solve the rumination, says Turner. “It kind of externalizes the conflict, so your brain doesn't constantly go back to, What am I going to do? What is this issue?” she explains. It might not be as satisfying as having the person hear you out, but you’re still getting relief from the big emotions that conflict causes.
Plus, finding understanding elsewhere can help you set boundaries that minimize future conflict.
3. Let them say their piece.
Conflict management is all about trying to empathize with and understand the other person, says Wolfgramm. Even if you don’t agree, making it obvious that you’re willing to hear them out is a great way to establish trust and kick things off. If you skip this part, they’ll be less likely to listen to you, says Wolfgramm.
So, invite them to share their side of the story, clarify what they mean, or make their case. When they do, Wolgramm suggests making eye contact and leaning in to show you’re actively listening. Afterward, try to sum up what they just said to you and ask if you got it right. You can also ask more questions to get some clarity. If you’re really struggling to see their side, challenge yourself to think of a time when you felt similarly. It’s not easy, but it sets the stage for you to share your perspective and encourages them to show you the same respect.
4. Apologize if needed.
If you can see that you messed up, an apology can show that you want to take accountability for your part and honor what the other person experienced, says Turner. You can try saying something like, “I was really frustrated, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. That wasn’t cool,” notes Turner. Whatever you do, avoid chasing “I’m sorry” with “but.” That basically cancels out the part where you took ownership, Wolfgramm notes.
While apologizing can show someone that you know where you may have messed up, it’s not easy to forgive someone right away if there’s a larger prolonged problem, says Wolfgramm. You may just need time or, in some circumstances, a mental health professional to help out, she says—and that’s OK.
5. Be direct and kind.
When you hash out your side of the problem, being specific can help you avoid miscommunication and prevent this issue from popping up in the future.
If you have time before your conversation, think about how you feel, what triggered those feelings, and what you need from the other person to move forward, says Wolfgramm. Writing those down to refer to during your discussion can help you stay on track and get to the heart of the conflict.
It might feel a little over the top, but phrasing those points in the form of “I” statements will help you come off less aggressive, she adds. You can try something like, “I felt ______ when _____ happened because it made me think ____.” You can follow that with, “How do you think we can move forward?” giving them space to chime in.
6. Stay open to compromise.
You can go through all the steps above—making space for the other person, hearing them out, being direct, and avoiding defensiveness—and they’re still not willing to budge. When you’re at a standstill, it’s time for compromise, says Wolfgramm.
A compromise is a sacrifice, explains Turner. It could be a big one or a small one, but the goal is to put your ideal outcome aside in hopes of resolving the issue or showing the other person you care about them (or both).
That can look a lot of different ways, depending on what you’re dealing with. Maybe you agree not to talk about politics any more or that you’ll message the team before booking the conference room for an entire day.
Whatever middle ground you suggest, make sure that it doesn’t contradict your values or breed resentment, says Turner. "If the compromise feels like you're actively carrying a burden, that's a sign this compromise won’t work." A good compromise is a reasonable sacrifice you’re OK making for the greater good of the relationship or some other outcome, Turner adds. Consider that conflict, managed.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
