08.29.24
How to Talk Politics With People You Like Without Losing Your Mind
Clear eyes, full hearts can’t lose.
In 2024, it’s difficult not to talk about politics. Whether your people are wearing the merch, posting memes, or re-hashing that debate, political talk is in the air.
For a lot of us, it feels like candidates, elections, laws, and Supreme Court rulings are lurking around any given conversation, waiting to ruin the vibes and leave everyone annoyed. Even talking about the weather can feel tense with someone who’s still got questions about the whole climate change thing.
Of course, chatting through our beliefs, values, and how the people in charge do their jobs is an important part of living in a democracy. It helps us learn about each other, find commonalities, share our perspective, and flex those First Amendment rights.
So why does ~getting political~ in social settings often feel so bad? Well, if you’re talking politics with someone who doesn’t have the same views as you, that conversation can make you feel literally threatened, says Tania Israel, PhD, psychologist and author of Facing the Fracture: How to Navigate the Challenges of Living in a Divided Nation.
And if you feel judged for your views during those chats, it can seem like your whole way of life is under attack, says Steven Meyers, PhD, clinical psychologist and professor and chair at Roosevelt University in Chicago. That’s because our life experiences, like where we came from, who raised us, and what we read, can inform the issues we feel deeply about, he explains. Our political beliefs can feel like a summation of our identity as a whole.
Even if your friends and fam agree with your perspective, these conversations can activate your emotions. Maybe your friends don’t seem to care enough—or they care too much and you just want to stop thinking about it. It’s a lot! And since miscommunications abound when we’re starting from a place of stress, it can get really messy, really fast.
Still, as we navigate divided, stressful, extremely political times, it’s natural for these headlines to come up with family, friends, and coworkers. Here, we spoke with experts about how to handle those convos (or see yourself out of them) so you can protect your peace and keep your relationships intact.
Do a self assessment.
Sometimes these convos pop up out of nowhere. Other times, you might know that your uncle will stir the pot at the next family event. Either way, when it comes up (or before it does), check in with yourself to see if engaging in these topics makes sense for your current situation, says Dr. Meyers.
If not, it’s totally fine to see yourself out or end a conversation. “Many people think closeness or intimacy means being able to share all of your thoughts and feelings with someone, but that’s not true,” Dr. Meyers says. Divulging every idea in your head—especially about political issues that might mean a lot to your friends and family—can trigger resentment, hostility, and conflict, he explains. “It’s OK to be selective for the sake of preserving your relationship.”
Same goes for preserving your mental and emotional bandwidth. If you’re hungry, tired, stressed, worried, or tipping back drinks at a bar, it’s going to be challenging to engage in that conversation in a productive way, says Dr. Meyers.
If you decide that, yeah, this isn’t going to end well, try to hit pause on that topic as quickly as possible. When you’re in a group, you can walk to the bathroom and play on your phone, sit back and listen to other people talk, head to the bar and order another drink, or go get dessert. However you quietly Homer Simpson yourself into the bush of inner peace is fair game.
If your group is small or you’re one on one, try something like, “Sorry, I definitely have a lot of thoughts and feelings on this, but I’m too hungry to form a sentence.” Or “Yeah, I hear you, but maybe we can talk about this later. The news is already making my brain hurt.” Again, whatever you need to do to diffuse the convo is fine—just keep it short and sweet.
Get clear on your goals.
Even if you’re ready to jump into this thing, don’t try to wing it. Instead, get intentional about what you hope to take away from this chat or just how you’d like to hold yourself during it. Knowing your goal ahead of time can help you focus your thoughts and dialogue, Dr. Meyers says.
Maybe you just want to know more about where the other person is coming from or get a better understanding of their values because you care about them, he explains. You might also want to share how the recent political news made you feel.
You can even open this up to the group or the other person by asking, “What do you think we’ll get out of this conversation?" says Dr. Meyers. Talking about the purpose of talking, especially when the topic is emotionally charged, will keep everyone on the same page, he explains.
Once you have a goal, think about the best way to go about it. Will screaming statistics across the table get them interested in your take? Probably not! Will rolling your eyes at their points help you learn more about why they hold those beliefs? Likely no!
No matter your goal, it’s useful to create a warm and trusting dialogue, no matter what your end game is, says Dr. Israel. “Even if we're trying to persuade, the best way to do that is by drawing the other person out and understanding their values,” she says.
Listen closely.
ICYMI, active listening is when you actively pay attention to what someone else is saying while they’re saying it. While this skill is super helpful in general, it’s great for keeping a political conversation on the rails, says Beth Silvers, author of I Think You're Wrong, But I’m Listening. “We can connect so powerfully if we’re willing to share and tolerate the discomfort,” Silvers explains.
This means focusing on the words coming out of their mouth instead of using that time to prepare a rebuttal, which does get uncomfortable. But it also gets easier with practice! Dr. Israel recommends this trick: After the other person finishes talking, summarize what they just said before adding in your thoughts. When you know you’re going to paraphrase them, you have to put your own thoughts aside to process what they’re saying. It also gives them the opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings before you share your take, she adds.
If you’re up for it, you can take the somewhat awkward step of annotating the conversation as it happens, says Silvers. By saying the quiet part out loud, you’re being vulnerable and staying in the present moment by acknowledging the feelings this brings up for you. Plus it encourages them to do the same.
You can say, “I have to admit I’m surprised by what you’re saying because we usually see things similarly,” or “I’m feeling defensive in this discussion, and I’m sure you can feel that. I’m not mad at you. I think I’m just working through the discomfort of our disagreement,” says Silvers. Worth a shot!
Check in with your physical feels.
Anyone else get shaky, tense, or jittery amid a tough conversation? That’s normal when our bodies detect a threat, says Dr. Israel. You might also feel flush, breathe differently, clench your jaw, or get sweaty, adds existential psychotherapist Sara Kuburic, who has a doctorate in psychotherapy science (@millennial.therapist).
But when those sensations bubble up, it’s even harder to hear the other person, which isn’t great when you’re trying to avoid miscommunication, says Dr. Israel.
If you notice this kind of emotional activation, Dr. Kuburic recommends touching an article of clothing and noticing how it feels in your hand. You could also cross your arms and tap your fingers on the opposite elbow to bring you back into your body. “That can help calm the system, and you can do it in ways that people don’t even notice,” she notes.
Feeling the ground under your feet or the chair under you can help you reduce stress too, says Dr. Israel. Once you do, you’re better able to listen and respond.
Don’t sweat the fails.
“A lot of these conversations depend on: How good are you at being in a disagreement without being disagreeable,” Dr. Meyers says. And, honestly, that can be really tough for most of us. So the fact that you’re trying to be better is a major accomplishment. The more you work at it, the easier it will feel to face a challenging viewpoint and keep your chill.
And the good news/bad news is that if one political conversation gets out of pocket, you won’t have to wait long for the chance to have another one. It’s also OK if you never want to do this again. But if it’s something you want to keep working on, stay mindful, engaged, and actively listen. Those will help you learn to relax in otherwise tense situations.
Don’t forget to decompress.
The day after the conversation, especially if it gets heated, it’s OK to follow up on how it all went. You can do this in person or just shoot a quick text, like, “Hey, I know things got a bit ~intense~ yesterday, and I wanted to see how you’re feeling about it.” You can ask for feedback or give yours, as long as you’re moving forward without retreading the same territory. This can help you preserve the relationship and air out any awkwardness or bad feelings.
As you do this, take some time for yourself post-convo too. Doing something that helps you relax can help you break any lingering tension from the day before, says Dr. Kuburic. And we could all use some of that right now.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
