Pro Tips Link Copied 08.19.24

Relationship Anxiety Is a Thing. Here’s What to Do About It

Are we good? Really? Are you sure? ByAlexis Benveniste

Shutterstock / Wondermind

Most of us have felt anxious about someone we’re dating, hooking up with, or fully committed to. Who hasn’t second guessed whether this person is a good match, completely over their ex, or hiding a red flag or two. You never know until you know, you know? 

But with relationship anxiety, a concept you’ve probably come across on social media or in your group chat, those on-edge feelings about the person you’re seeing or relationships in general come in hot and stay that way. Cue you overanalyzing every single text or asking, “Are we OK?” way too often.

So how can you tell the difference between classic relationship concerns and relationship anxiety? Here, experts explain what it is, why it happens, common signs you’re dealing with it, and what to do next. 

What is relationship anxiety?

Relationship anxiety refers to intense feelings of doubt, worry, and insecurity about a relationship, says clinical psychologist Laura Bowles, PsyD. This goes beyond your average jealousy, hesitations, or reassurance-seeking that can occasionally come up in ~romantic situations~. Instead, your anxiety about your relationship feels intense, chronic, and out of control, says therapist Kelsey Marks LCAT, ATR-BC.

While it’s not an official type of anxiety listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders like social anxiety or generalized anxiety disorder, relationship anxiety is a thing lots of mental health pros see in their practice, adds Marks.

Oftentimes, people with relationship anxiety report feeling anxious about the depth of their partner’s feelings, the future of the relationship, or the relationship ending, says Dr. Bowles. The things you might worry about are literally endless, but they’re not always rooted in reality.

Also worth mentioning: You don’t have to be in a relationship to experience relationship anxiety. If you’re single, your anxieties could stop you from going on dates or defining the relationship with someone. 

What causes relationship anxiety?

There are lots of reasons why you might develop relationship anxiety. How you were raised, how you feel about yourself, and unhealthy relationship dynamics from the past can shift your ability to feel secure in your current relationship or future ones. 

Say your ex cheated on you and the betrayal you felt makes you second guess the next person you’re with or even the person after that. That sense of doubt or dread can lead to relationship anxiety even if your new relationship is relatively healthy. 

Aside from your dating history, having low self-esteem or self-worth can also trigger relationship anxiety, says Dr. Bowles. When you don’t feel like you deserve good things (like a happy, healthy relationship), you might question how much your partner values you or suspect they’re interested in other people. 

Your attachment style can play a part in relationship anxiety too, Dr. Bowles adds. As a refresher, attachment theory suggests that the way you felt in your earliest relationships, like secure and cared for or abandoned and forgotten, can impact your relationships as an adult.

If your caregivers didn’t always meet your needs growing up, you could develop an insecure attachment style, like anxious attachment. And when you’re anxiously attached, you may find yourself preoccupied with the idea that whoever you’re with will eventually leave you, causing a lot of (surprise!) anxiety.

How can I tell if I have relationship anxiety?

Again, this isn’t a specific mental health diagnosis, but if you’re wondering whether your worries about your relationship are reasonable or they’re sliding into relationship anxiety territory, here are a few clues the experts recommend looking out for. 

1. You’re distancing yourself from your partner.

It’s normal to want some independence and need a little physical or emotional space from your partner—or dating in general—but with relationship anxiety, that need can be amplified. That’s because avoidance is often a way people protect themselves from getting hurt or being abandoned in relationships, explains psychologist Jessica January Behr, PsyD. 

Plus, anxious thoughts can keep you from being fully present in the relationship, says therapist Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC. That can get in the way of emotional intimacy and opportunities for connection. 

Whether you're conscious of it or not, relationship anxiety might compel you to distance yourself from your partner by physically avoiding them, withdrawing, ignoring their texts or calls, giving the silent treatment, or getting visibly angry, says Dr. Behr. Assuming you actually like this person, these can be signs that your anxiety is getting in the way of your relationship.

2. You’re overthinking normal interactions.

It’s easy to get caught up ruminating on things like the last text you sent or whether their “joke” had some truth to it, especially early in a relationship. But if you find that getting caught up in the details of your relationship gets in the way of your day-to-day life, you could have relationship anxiety, explains Dr. Bowles. 

Within the context of relationship anxiety, overthinking can look like replaying everyday interactions in your head or blowing small issues out of proportion. You might even convince yourself that they’re evidence of a larger issue in the relationship, Dr. Bowles says. For example, you might think that your partner calling you out for not doing your share of the chores means they hate living with you. In reality, they might just want some help with the dishes. 

“The easiest way to spot relationship anxiety is to notice when you're caught in a loop of doubting and worrying,” says therapist Cameron Murphey, LMFT. “This worry almost always comes with significant anxiety or distress,” he added. 

Of course, you’re not wrong for digging a little deeper into a conflict or wishing you expressed yourself more clearly, but constantly reliving a disagreement and searching for clues that your bond is doomed might mean you’re dealing with something deeper. That’s especially true if your partner is consistently emotionally supportive and trustworthy, but you can’t stop thinking that the small issues are the true indicators of the health of the relationship, says Murphey.

3. You’re searching for proof that this relationship is bad.

If you’re experiencing relationship anxiety, you might seek out answers that validate your fears, Murphey says. You could be asking your friends if they’ve noticed any red flags or spend a ton of time on the internet researching signs of an unhealthy relationship or googling “red flags in a relationship”. If this kind of ~research~ feels compulsive or out of your control, it could be a manifestation of relationship anxiety, he says. 

4. You’re always asking for reassurance.

Another way people with relationship anxiety deal with their feelings is by checking in with their partners way more than necessary to assure themselves that the relationship is good, says Parulolo.

You might ask, “Are we OK? Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Are you annoyed?” You feel like you need them to confirm that they care about you and that the relationship is healthy, she adds. Unfortunately, no matter what they say or how many times they say it, relationship anxiety keeps you from feeling satisfied. 

What should I do if I have relationship anxiety?

Talk to your partner.

Sometimes a relationship is bad and your fears are justified. That’s true. But if you suspect that relationship anxiety is the source of your stress rather than the relationship itself, it might be time to have a convo with your partner, says Murphey. There’s no way they’ll know how you’re feeling if you keep everything in.

So sit down with your partner and fill them in on what’s been making you feel anxious in this relationship. You can tell them what’s been triggering you and what it feels like physically and mentally, he explains. You should also check in with them to see how your behavior, like, say, your reassurance seeking, has impacted them. 

Taking this step will help you reconnect, let your partner in on what you’ve been feeling, and give them an opportunity to show up for you, adds Murphey. It can also give you the chance to explain the reasoning behind some of your behaviors, especially if they’ve been  making your partner feel dismissed or ignored, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD.

Practice grounding exercises.

While open communication is a great preventative measure, ruminating and overthinking can still pop up when you’re dealing with relationship anxiety, says Dr. Bowles. “Those feelings can be scary and uncontrollable, especially if they’re rooted in past experiences,” they explain. Still, finding ways to detach from the intensity of those emotions and ground yourself in the present moment can give you some relief, Dr. Bowles adds. 

That’s where mindfulness exercises can come in handy. There are tons of these out there, so find whatever works for you. That said, here are some options from the experts we spoke with. 

Go on a walk. As with any kind of anxiety, moving your body can provide an outlet for nervous energy and allow you to process your thoughts and emotions, says Dr. Polyné.

Try a breathing exercise. Like moving your body, focusing on your breath can help you get out of your head and zoom in on the thing you’re doing right now (in this case, breathing). When you’re triggered by your partner, taking a beat to tune into your breath can help you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively, adds Dr. Polyné. Take one big, deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and then release it. Keep this pattern up until you feel a sense of relief in your body and mind.

Take some space. After a tense moment or intrusive thoughts, find a spot where you can sit and focus on your surroundings, says Dr. Bowles. Name five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Then, notice if your thought spirals become quieter. If not, repeat the exercise until they do.

Obviously, these mindfulness exercises aren’t fail-proof. You might have intrusive or racing thoughts about your relationship during or after. When that happens, practice acknowledging them without judgment and let them go, Dr. Bowles suggests. Over time, this teaches your brain not to follow your anxious thoughts down a rabbit hole.

Give your anxiety an identity.

Externalizing your anxiety is an effective strategy that can help you manage your uncomfortable feelings, Paruolo says. “I often encourage clients to personify their anxiety by giving it a name distinct from their own,” she says. This technique can help separate you from the emotion you’re experiencing, which reinforces the idea that you’re more than your anxiety. It doesn’t define you. 

So think about what you might name your anxiety and how you’d describe its personality. Is it Debbie Downer who ruins perfectly good date nights? Is it Beyoncé with a baseball bat a la "Lemonade"? Whatever your anxiety’s persona, when you feel it creeping in, say, “I hear you, [anxiety name], but I choose not to engage with you right now,” explains Paruolo.

Find a solid therapist.

Help from a therapist can provide professional guidance that addresses the root causes of your relationship anxiety and coping skills to manage the symptoms you might be experiencing, says Dr. Bowles. 

That could look like exploring past experiences that influence your current anxieties and getting guidance that’ll help you develop a healthier attachment style. It might also include gaining objective insights into your thought patterns and behavior, enabling you to distinguish between realistic red flags and anxiety-driven fears. That’s super useful when you’re prone to second guessing your experiences. 

A therapist can also help you deal with the day-to-day struggles of being in a relationship with relationship anxiety. You’ll learn skills that can improve satisfaction within your bonds, break negative cycles, and build self-esteem. In the end, you’ll likely find yourself in more secure and fulfilling relationships.