We’ve all been there. You’re chatting with a new friend, or friend of a friend, or a coworker, and you find yourself getting into the details of your life. That vulnerability starts to feel good, and suddenly you’re sharing stories, experiences, or opinions that maybe you normally wouldn’t. Maybe it’s alcohol-induced, maybe it’s not, but you still wake up thinking, Shit.
While you likely did nothing wrong, you may feel anxious about the possibility that you said too much. This experience is what’s known as a vulnerability hangover—and it sucks.
While it’s not a clinical term, a vulnerability hangover refers to the feelings of regret or discomfort that come after discussing something personal or intimate about yourself (see: being vulnerable), says Michaela Dunbar, PsychD, HCPC, clinical psychologist and founder of My Easy Therapy. “It's like an emotional comedown from the high of connecting deeply with someone,” Dr. Dunbar explains.
Even if you didn’t trauma dump all over the party or go into great detail about your sex life with coworkers, a vulnerability hangover can sneak up on you, says Jenny Wang, PhD, licensed psychologist and member of The Wondermind Advisory Committee. This feeling can stem from a fear of judgment or social anxiety, but it's also a natural reaction to stepping out of your comfort zone with other people, Dr. Dunbar adds. And sometimes this vulnerability hangover is piggybacking off an actual hangover if you’re also someone who deals with day-after-drinking hangxiety.
Generally speaking, a vulnerable moment turns into a vulnerability hangover when you worry that your comments or actions were inappropriate or that they’ll change peoples’ perception of you, explains Dr. Wang. “Ultimately, when there's a risk that somebody could withdraw connection as a result of what you share, it can trigger that hangover.” Unfortunately, that risk is almost always possible.
On top of that, some cultures and communities have very strong values that may impact how free you feel to be vulnerable, explains Dr. Wang. For example, in many Asian cultures, individuals believe their actions represent themselves, their family, other loved ones, and their community at large, she says. So the possibility of ruining an entire family’s reputation can make the stakes of being vulnerable feel so much higher.
Plus, if you come from a marginalized community, you might worry about vulnerability being used against you. You could feel like you have to be way more careful because you don’t get the benefit of the doubt like people with dominant identities do, says Dr. Wang.
Whatever the root of your vulnerability hangover, you don’t have to white knuckle your way through those feelings. Here, Dr. Wang and Dr. Dunbar explain the best ways to self-soothe and move the f*ck on. Let’s get down to it.
Ask yourself, Was that vulnerability or oversharing?
OK, so there’s a big difference between these two types of interactions. While vulnerability is sharing your truth with intention, self-awareness, and perhaps a hope for connection, oversharing doesn’t consider the context, boundaries, or comfort levels of others, says Dr. Dunbar. “When we're vulnerable, we’re not sharing unfiltered thoughts without sensing the other person's emotional state, their reactions, or their body language,” adds Dr. Wang.
If you find that your ~vulnerable~ moment was actually an overshare, don’t beat yourself up, but it might be helpful to do a little damage control. Reach out to whoever you were speaking with and say, “Hey, I feel like I might have overstepped by sharing a little too much the other day, and I just wanted to apologize if I made you uncomfortable. Thank you so much for understanding, and I appreciate you.” That quick message can cut the tension you feel and hold yourself accountable for missing context clues in the moment.
If you didn’t overshare, keep reading.
Congratulate yourself for being open.
While giving yourself kudos in the thick of a vulnerability hangover might not feel natural, the truth is that it’s no small feat to share your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and experiences with others. And reminding yourself that being open takes strength and is a valuable tool for making connections might ease those hard feelings, says Dr. Dunbar. You were upfront with others about yourself or things you care about, and that’s a big deal, adds Dr. Wang.
So take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back (literally or not), and celebrate doing a hard thing regardless of the risk, suggests Dr. Dunbar. Yay for you!
Normalize the awkwardness.
While cheering yourself on can make you feel less cringe, you don’t want to bypass that feeling or other tough emotions altogether, says Dr. Wang. That’s because sitting with embarrassment, shame, fear, or disappointment can help you get to the root of why you feel this way in the first place. Good info to have, right?
Dr. Wang recommends asking yourself: What emotion or emotions am I feeling right now? What is it trying to tell me about the person I was vulnerable with, the relationship in general, or the context in which I was open and honest? “Each act of sharing is a step towards understanding ourselves and others better,” adds Dr. Dunbar.
This exercise also enables you to normalize the big feelings that come with being vulnerable, which are, in fact, normal. As tribal beings, we’re highly aware of how other people might judge us, says Dr. Wang. But when we avoid vulnerability because it feels yucky and uncomfortable, we miss out on deeper connections and more meaningful relationships in addition to that other intel, she adds.
Touch base with whoever you opened up to.
Even if you’re 100% certain that you didn’t overshare, you can still check in with those who witnessed your truth telling, says Dr. Wang. It’s highly likely that the way they perceived whatever you said was different than how you think they did. It may not have impacted them or your relationship at all, she adds.
Dr. Wang suggests texting or just checking in the next time you see them. Try, “Hey, I've been thinking about what I shared last time we were together, and I am a little concerned that it might've impacted how you saw me or our relationship. Obviously, I would never want that to be the case. Did the things I said bring anything up for you?” It’s assertive, but keeps the dialogue open without calling out your worst fears right away.
Consider your vulnerability bandwidth.
Again, vulnerability comes with amazing benefits like deeper connections, trusting relationships, and a sense of acceptance when people stick around after you get very honest. That said, it’s OK if you think that your vulnerability skills could use a little refining. After all, Dr. Dunbar says vulnerability is like a muscle that needs to be worked in order to grow.
The more we use our past experiences to inform how vulnerable we are in the future, the better we’ll be at distinguishing when and with whom to share, explains Dr. Wang. That might even prevent future vulnerability hangovers.
Something to consider: How were you feeling physically and mentally when you opened up? When you’re well rested, healthy, and feeling engaged and purposeful in your life, then you’ll likely have more of a tolerance to do hard things like be vulnerable, explains Dr. Wang.
On the other hand, if you’re sick, stressed about work, or generally feeling lost, your psychological tolerance is likely way lower, Dr. Wang adds. That can keep you from feeling resilient after sharing something personal. “We would almost expect that this might trigger a dysregulated emotional response,” she says.
With that intel, you can censor yourself (or not!) knowing how it might impact you. Of course, in the end, vulnerability is still almost always a good idea.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
