07.02.24
5 Signs You’re Actually Going Too Easy on Yourself
Am I *checks notes* the problem?
We can all agree that self-care and self-compassion are good things that most of us could use more of, right? Cool. And yet! There seems to be a recent trend (on social media, in pop culture, and maybe even in your group chat) where people are self-caring a bit too close to the sun, leaving a scorched trail of social norms, life goals, and basic responsibilities in their wake.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with a little self-compassion, especially if your default mode is beating yourself up. Being kind and supportive toward ourselves when we fail, make mistakes, or feel inadequate—just as we would a friend we care about—is a great habit. When we’re dealing with heartbreak, a health issue, or even everyday life stressors, practicing self-compassion enables us to recognize that suffering and setbacks are a part of the human experience, explains Kristin Neff, PhD, a self-compassion researcher and associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas Austin.
Similarly, prioritizing self-care, positive affirmations, and sitting with uncomfy feelings without judging them are all fantastic self-love strategies, but…sometimes it can go too far. Always putting your needs first or letting yourself off the hook can really backfire—hurting your relationships and personal growth in the process.
So, if you consider yourself a self-care connoisseur, you might be wondering if you’re actually cutting yourself too much slack. Here are some signs from the experts that you might be overdoing this whole self-compassion thing.
1. You flake on things in the name of self-care.
We’ve all heard the metaphor about putting your own oxygen mask on first. And it’s true that the more we care for ourselves, the easier it is to care for others, says Dr. Neff. Maybe that means muting your text notifications after 9 p.m. or rescheduling plans to recharge your social battery when you’re exhausted.
But, as Dr. Neff points out, self-compassion is not about prioritizing our own needs at the expense of everyone else. When you do that, you’re conflating self-compassion with self-centeredness, says therapist Jeff Guenther, LPC, author of the forthcoming book, Big Dating Energy: How to Create Lasting Love by Tapping Into Your Authentic Self.
For example, if you’re feeling burnt out at work, taking that bed-rotting day is a solid self-care strategy (a cornerstone of self-compassion), as long as it doesn’t require that your coworkers pull an all-nighter to pick up your slack. And if you really want to spend a night on the couch catching up on Bravo, by all means, do it. But maybe not on the same night you promised to be there for your friend’s big improv show. In other words, your self-compassion is problematic when it’s used as an avoidance tactic, an excuse to break commitments, or a way to bail on responsibilities instead of genuinely supporting yourself.
If this kinda sounds familiar, ask yourself a few questions before you cancel on your next commitment: Does my self-care negatively impact someone else or require them to make a sacrifice? Am I ignoring or dismissing someone else’s needs or feelings? Sometimes the answer might be yes because shit happens and you’re only human. That said, if taking care of yourself means being unreliable more often than not, that’s not self-compassion.
2. You’re hurting Future You.
If your idea of self-care after a tough week is a bottle of wine or retail therapy with money you don’t have, you might be headed in the wrong direction, Dr. Neff says. Sure, these activities ~spark joy~, but they also have repercussions that can fuck with Future You.
Because of that annoying truth, any “self-care” that’s more about short-term gain despite long-term pain is not earning you self-compassion points—even if you feel amazing while you’re doing it. After all, the whole premise of self-compassion is to be nice to yourself when you fail, not to set yourself up to fail in the first place.
While you certainly don’t need to be the picture of health and good choices 24/7—that’s not self-compassion either—try to center your self-care on preventive measures that stave off stress, anxiety, burnout, or whatever mental health struggles you often face. That’s way more effective than attempting to put out a dumpster fire once it’s fully ablaze.
This could look like limiting your screen time so you’re not tempted to blow all your money after a bad day. Or maybe you could look for a job that doesn’t make you so frustrated and stressed to begin with. The closer you can get to the origin of the issue, the better.
3. You have a no-apologies policy.
It’s always reassuring to remind our inner-people-pleaser that we don’t need to apologize for existing. But if we use that ethos to avoid apologizing in general (even when something is definitely our fault), that’s not self-compassion—that’s being a jerk.
Listen, you don’t need to hold yourself responsible for any minor inconvenience to human kind. However, balancing accountability with self-compassion means admitting when you did something that hurt or negatively impacted someone else, reflecting on that, and apologizing without beating yourself up about it, Guenther says. That last part is where self-compassion comes in.
Interestingly, people with more self-compassion can have an easier time saying they’re sorry. That’s because, when you’re extra hard on yourself for messing up, guilt and shame can make apologizing feel unsafe, explains Dr. Neff. On the other hand, Self-compassion pros know that “admitting a mistake doesn't mean you're a less worthy person. You're just a human being,” she adds.
Maybe you lost your temper with your partner and said something rude or shared some news that wasn’t yours to tell. If you’re someone who doesn’t have “I’m sorry” in your vocabulary or feels so bad that you avoid those hard conversations entirely, remind yourself that you’re not a bad person for doing something you regret. See if the apology comes more easily after that.
4. You’re cycling through relationships.
Maybe it’s pretty clear by now that self-compassion is not the same as being selfish. Still, if you’ve been confusing the two up until now, it’s possible you’ve become a “little island that nobody wants to be close to,” says Guenther.
Harsh, but it makes sense. “When self-compassion turns into self-centeredness, you're not going to have consistent, long-term, close friendships,” he explains. And if you do, they’ll likely be more surface level. After all, relationships require balancing your needs with the needs of those you care about (see tip #1). It’s a healthy give and take.
So, if you find yourself quickly going through romantic partners or sense your friends are pulling away, it’s time to focus on extending compassion to others. Make it a point to really listen to your friends when they’re venting and show some empathy. Ask them to hang out at a time and place that’s easy for them (and you!), and show up for them when they ask you to. Basically, treat them the way you would want to be treated.
5. You can’t remember the last time you did something scary or challenging.
When we think of self-compassion, we often think of the soft, gentle, and nurturing side, like giving yourself time to get over a breakup or being passed over for a promotion at work. That’s not the only way to do it though, Dr. Neff says.
The other equally important way to show yourself love is to push yourself toward your goals like a parent, coach, or mentor who wants the best for you. Dr. Neff calls this fierce compassion. When you make moves to protect, provide for, or motivate yourself to make positive changes, you’re also being kind to yourself.
If you’ve only been focusing on the sweet side of self-compassion, you might be limiting your growth. Sound like you? Dr. Neff suggests challenging yourself to do something exciting (and maybe scary). Start by reflecting on how you could be falling short of your life goals and then create a plan to go after them. Look into grad school, sign up for a race, take that solo trip, make small talk with your barista. Whatever you do, don’t sell yourself short.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
