Pro Tips Link Copied 06.20.24

How to Break Out of a Self-Isolation Spiral

Been a minute since you’ve been where the people are? Let’s talk. ByAnna Borges

Shutterstock / Wondermind

Oh, self-isolation. I know you well. As an introvert who works from home and lives solo (well, except for my unofficial roomies: depression, anxiety, and long Covid), it’s not uncommon for me to go a few days or even weeks without really socializing. But even as someone who genuinely loves my alone time, I always reach a point where I’m like, Oh, I feel…not great.

That’s usually a pretty solid sign you’ve crossed from casual hermitting to a full-on isolation spiral. Whether you’re staying inside for long periods, blowing off social commitments, or simply ignoring texts, “the difference between being content on your own and negative self-isolation comes down to the narrative you tell yourself about it,” says therapist Briana Mills, LMFT. “You may be doing activities that usually bring you joy, but then you start to think, I’m doing the same thing every day. I’m not talking to anyone. I’m a loser. What’s wrong with me?”

We’ll get to unpacking that negative self-talk later, but before that, let’s start with why we self-isolate—even when we know it’s not the best for us.

Why are we like this?!

As you might imagine, everyone is different—and you might even have more than one motivation behind your tendency to seclude yourself. Depression and anxiety can both play a big role, says therapist Mary Houston, LCSW, thanks to symptoms that get in the way of our ability and desire to connect. 

For example, depression can zap you of energy, motivation, and confidence, making even the thought of being around others exhausting. Meanwhile, if you have an anxiety disorder, isolating might feel less overwhelming than navigating unfamiliar environments, says Houston. And then there’s social anxiety, which can make you more sensitive to perceived judgment, rejection, or social flubs—all things you might rather avoid, thank you very much.

The world outside your door might influence your urge to stay secluded, too. Maybe your own company feels like the easiest, nicest, or safest option these days, especially in our political climate. “A lot of people don't necessarily feel like they understand one another in this day and age,” Mills says. “Many of us are looking at the world and thinking, I don’t get people, which can lead to wondering, How do I even connect with others? Where do I belong?” And when those questions don’t have easy answers, isolation can feel like the simplest path. 

Once you’re on that path, it’s annoyingly easy to stay on it. “Self-judgment thrives in isolation—all of these cognitive distortions start to spiral,” Houston says. “You start thinking, It’s been too long. It'll be weird if I reach out. I don’t remember how to be around people. I should just keep to myself.” Which is pretty much a recipe for falling into a self-perpetuating cycle, she notes.  

But even after you recognize you don’t want to hibernate from the world, actually getting out of your head and back to the land of the living can be a whole other ordeal. So what do you do?

1. Break the spiral early if you can. 

Sometimes, the best move you can make when you notice you’re starting to isolate is to push yourself to go outside, text a friend, or take whatever small step feels doable right now. Otherwise, you risk feeding the cycle further. 

“The more you don't do something, the bigger the mountain you have to climb looks,” Houston says. “So don’t wait to feel excited to socialize again. Sometimes just doing the thing first can reverse-engineer that desire to be social after.” That’s thanks in part to the magic of behavioral activation, which is a fancy way of saying that doing things you enjoy often triggers positive feelings, explains Houston. 

According to Mills, it helps to take things one baby step at a time. For example, if you haven’t talked to anyone in a while, send a low-key “thinking of you” text or reply to someone’s story on Instagram instead of pressuring yourself to extend an invite. “That's not necessarily going to fix everything, but it’s a way to start breaking up whatever pattern you’ve fallen into,” Mills says.

2. Put yourself around people, even if you don’t talk to them.

If the thought of socializing with the people you know and love amid your spiral is Too Much, know that it’s not all or nothing. Houston recommends doing something you would typically do anyway—just in a different location. “If you would normally be sitting around reading at home, bring a book to the park or cafe, or pick one up at the library,” she says. The presence of others, even without interaction, can help ease the feeling of isolation and might even help you feel more prepared to take a bigger step next time.

Similarly, if your main source of socialization is virtual, look for opportunities to enjoy some ambient company without having to actually, you know, participate. Watch someone’s live stream of a video game you love, hit up a Zoom event that lets you keep your camera off, or join a virtual coworking session. Speaking of…

3. Don’t forget virtual hangs. 

Not to romanticize the early pandemic, but the first few months of 2020 had a small silver lining for homebodies like me: the rise of virtual socialization. And though many have reverted to IRL hangouts, activities like Zoom parties, online gaming, and casual FaceTiming are still very much available—and excellent options for human connection, whether you can’t leave your house or simply really, really don’t want to. 

If you’re not feeling up for initiating, Houston recommends suggesting low-effort alternatives the next time you get an invite you don’t feel up to attend. For example, getting showered, dressed, and out the door for a move might sound exhausting mid-isolation spiral, but maybe a virtual movie night can help you stay connected from your couch in the meantime. 

4. Go for a ride-along with your favorite social butterfly.

Sometimes when you’re in a funk, you just need some help to get back out there—and what better way than tagging along with someone who will do most of the work for you? While anyone you feel comfortable reaching out to works, Houston notes that the extroverts of the world are prime candidates, especially when you’re feeling like an unsocialized little gremlin. 

“Witnessing an extrovert move through the world and get joy from talking to others can be a good way to get back in the swing of things,” Houston says, noting how it can help you practice your rusty social skills without the pressure of initiating conversations yourself.

5. Challenge the voice in your head.

Both experts I spoke to emphasized how negative thought patterns can keep us trapped in isolation spirals: If people wanted to see me, they’d reach out first. I’ll make a fool out of myself if I go, so I should just stay home.

Anyone with even a mildly anxious, depressed, or insecure brain knows how it can go on and on. When a negative thought pops up to hold you back, Mills recommends considering alternate scenarios to whatever your mind is spewing. 

What if that friend doesn’t want to hear from you? Sure, but what if they miss you? What if you act all awkward and say something weird? OK, but what if everyone else does too because a lot of people are out of practice socially these days? “Both scenarios can be possible, but we only look at the negatives because our brain is trying to protect us by alerting us to ways we might get hurt,” explains Mills. “So you have to remind it that other possibilities exist.” 

The same goes for being gentle with yourself when you’re struggling by swapping hurtful messages for some self-compassion. “The reason we believe a lot of negative things about ourselves is because we repeat it over and over and over again,” Mills says. “So it’s important to remember you can repeat the positive stuff as well—‘I am worthy,’ ‘I am strong,’ whatever you feel like you need to hear—because, eventually, you’ll start to believe those things too.”