06.14.24
9 Things Not to Say to Someone With ADHD
“I personally loathe when people try to tell me that my ADHD is a superpower.”
There was a time, shortly after my initial diagnosis, when I loved talking about having ADHD. Tweeting jokes, swapping stories, and shouting into the void helped me make sense of my experiences and connect with others who could relate—which I needed after such a surprising ADHD diagnosis in my late 20s.
But, soon enough, I realized that opening up about my shiny new condition wasn’t all fun and games. Turns out, people still had plenty of misconceptions and myths about ADHD, including who it impacts, what it looks like, and how it should be treated. And boy, did they love to yap about it. From well-meaning questions from friends to dismissive comments from family, it seemed like everyone had an opinion not just about my ADHD, but ADHD in general. So, after a while, I stopped mentioning it. It was just easier that way.
Don’t get me wrong—there’s nothing wrong with getting curious and chatting with someone about their ADHD. Understanding and appreciating the unique challenges faced by people with ADHD can foster a supportive environment and deepen your relationship. But you don’t want to accidentally invalidate, dismiss, or hurt your loved one along the way.
To help you avoid becoming someone who makes people like me dread uttering the words, “I have ADHD” in mixed company, I asked people with ADHD to share the common phrases that get under their skin. Consider striking these offenders from your conversations from now on:
1. “I totally get it—I can never focus either!”
You might mean well when you jump to yell “Same!” to someone’s experience—and you don’t need ADHD yourself to relate on some level. “A lot of ADHD symptoms are common human difficulties too,” says Dorsey McFadden, ADHD coach and founder of the online community FlexYourADHD. Plenty of people occasionally struggle to concentrate, get distracted, or act impulsively—but that’s not the same as having a disorder that impairs your ability to function.
That said, if someone’s ADHD symptoms sound a little too familiar, it can’t hurt to talk to a doctor yourself. In McFadden’s experience, recognizing yourself in someone else’s experience is a common first step toward your own diagnosis.
2. “You don’t act like you have ADHD.”
Sure, people with ADHD might have some symptoms and behaviors in common, but it’s tough to generalize. For one, a lot of people forget that not all ADHD involves hyperactivity. “I might not be jumping up and down, but my endlessly spiraling brain sure is,” says 28-year-old Liv M., who has inattentive ADHD.
Even within each subtype, there are countless ways someone’s ADHD symptoms can play out IRL, from social difficulties thanks to issues with emotional regulation to chronic lateness due to time blindness. “The unique way our symptoms manifest depends on our biology, environments, and experiences,” McFadden says. In other words? No one’s ADHD looks and feels the same—so it’s pretty dang tough to say whether someone does/doesn’t “act like” they have ADHD.
3. “It seems like everyone has ADHD these days.”
It might feel like you hear a lot more about ADHD than you used to—and that might even be true, thanks to the prevalence of adult ADHD diagnoses and the rise in conversations about ADHD on social media. But that’s not a bad thing!
“People are always like, ‘Oh, another person with ADHD,’” says Penny I., a 24-year-old ADHDer. “It always comes with this undertone of doubt and accusation, like they’re saying, ‘You can’t all possibly have ADHD.’ I wish people realized that just because something was underdiagnosed in the past doesn’t mean it’s being wrongly overdiagnosed now.”
4. “Can’t you just ___?”
Fill in the blank with whatever productivity hack you think will magically fix our executive dysfunction—make a to-do list, set an alarm, focus. Now, sure, there are plenty of organization tips and products that some people with ADHD swear by to help manage their symptoms. But if your suggestion implies this is all a matter of self-control, maybe just skip it.
“First of all, if it was that simple it wouldn’t be a literal disorder,” Penny says. “Second, I guarantee you, whatever advice you have for me, I’ve already tried it myself. I don’t know what offends me more: When people think I can self-help my way out of ADHD or when they think it didn’t occur to me to try a planner.”
5. “If you really wanted to do it, you would.”
Be on time, remember every detail, make every deadline, listen super carefully…the list of common ADHD struggles goes on and on. Believe me, plenty of us wish the sheer force of desire was enough for us to overcome our ADHD struggles. “I have trouble doing the boring things and the fun things,” Liv says.
The same goes for how ADHD doesn’t care how much we want to do something like show up on time or resist the urge to interrupt. “I try to watch out for how my ADHD impacts other people because I care, but just because I care doesn’t mean I’ll always be successful,” Penny says.
6. “But you’re so well put together!”
When I first got diagnosed, people loved to point at my academic track record as proof that I couldn’t possibly have ADHD. If only my experience was unique! But nope. The idea that success and ADHD can’t mix is as common as it is hurtful. “Statements like that create the idea that we don’t work hard to identify systems and strategies to achieve success in a world that isn’t built to support neurodivergent people,” says Paula M., a 41-year-old with ADHD.
“I hate when people act shocked when they find out I have ADHD because it tells me what you think ‘people like me’ are capable of or not capable of,” Devin L., 26, says. “I used to work so hard to mask my symptoms and ADHD quirks, but now I’m very proud of being my full authentic self. So I don’t take ‘I thought you were neurotypical’ as a compliment, especially when people mean it as one.”
7. “Do you really need medication?”
Rachel E., a 28-year-old with ADHD, points out that some people are quick to suggest things like dietary changes, exercise, and mindfulness as alternatives to medication. “It makes me feel extraordinarily gaslighted when someone who doesn’t know me or the way my brain works suggests that I ‘don’t need’ medication to function in society,” she says. “Medication is a great tool in the toolbox for so many people. It should never be dismissed so flippantly as something someone ‘doesn’t need’ just because others may be able to function well without it.”
8. “I’m so jealous.”
Next time you find yourself wishing you had ADHD for the perceived perks, please reconsider. “It’s so annoying that my friends act like dealing with a debilitating condition is worth it because it gets me access to Adderall,” Devin says.
It’s not much better when you mean it as a compliment, either. “I know this one is highly subjective, but I personally loathe when people try to tell me that my ADHD is a superpower,” Regina R., a 31-year-old with ADHD says. “More power to you if it helps you to think about your ADHD that way, but not all of us find it empowering. My ADHD is a nuisance. My superpower is dealing with it every day.”
9. “Don’t make excuses.”
If people with ADHD had a nickel for every time they were called lazy, avoidant, stupid, or uncaring, we could probably build ourselves a sanctuary where we could be free of these comments once and for all. If there’s one thing people love to accuse ADHDers of, it’s using our disorder as an excuse for, well, anything. Doing poorly in school, missing an anniversary, losing our keys…or any number of side effects that do, unfortunately, arise in the wake of our ADHD sometimes.
“I’m not saying there aren’t people out there who use their ADHD as an excuse for crummy behavior, but I’d say that’s the exception, not the norm,” Regina says. “But when I open up about my ADHD and how it impacts my behavior and my executive functioning, I’m not making excuses. I’m providing an explanation—and looking for understanding and patience as I try to do better.”
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
