Pro Tips Link Copied 06.03.24

8 Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Mental Health

It’s OK if you don’t know what to say. ByShani Tran, LPCC

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If you’re raising a teenager through what experts are calling a “youth mental health crisis,” then you’re probably wondering if your kid is alright and if you’re checking in with them enough. Maybe you’ve noticed your teen displaying some quirks (like they’re quieter than usual or make distressed expressions when scrolling) that make you wonder, What’s up with my kid? Something is off, but what should I do about it? Well, as a licensed therapist who specializes in assisting teens and young adults, I’m here to walk you through all these scenarios. 

Trying to help your kid with anything can be challenging (ahem, Algebra II homework). When it comes to their mental health, that can be even more daunting, especially if you didn’t grow up in a household where talking about feelings was normal. But, my friends, you are completely capable of helping your kid through this—whether they’ve opened up to you already, they totally shut you out, or  you just want to reinforce that the lines of communication are open. 

Before we get into the nitty gritty, keep in mind that when you get your teen to open up about their feelings, you might hear some ish that you were unaware of and that upsets you. But the focus isn’t on you, OK? It’s about your teen, respecting their bravery for being vulnerable with you, and supporting them no! matter! what! If you don’t go into these talks with that approach in mind and you end up reacting in a judgemental way, you risk making them feel like you’re not a safe person to talk to. And that could mean they try—and, worst-case scenario, fail—at fighting their mental health battles alone. Not what you want, right? 

So stay open minded, embrace the trial-and-error nature of these talks, and if you later realize you messed up and said something you shouldn’t have, go back and make it right. You got this, so let’s dive into how you can help your teenager with their mental health.  

1. Offer a safe space.

You’ll need to consider two things if you want your teen to confide in you: the actual location of your conversation and who’s around. You want to make sure that where you are having this heart-to-heart is a place they would feel comfortable opening up. That means not asking them what’s really going on at the dinner table in front of the whole family—they might not want other people overhearing the conversation, and it’s OK if they need privacy. You’ll also want to choose a quiet place where there are no other distractions. Some great ideas would be going for a car ride together or going for a walk in a park that’s not overrun with other people. Or, you could just ask your teen where they’d feel safe and then go there.

While it’s usually best if the check-in is a 1-to-1 deal, you might need to tell another parent what’s going on with their kiddo too. In that case, before your teen opens up, be transparent and say you plan to share some of the information with the other parent later and that your kid can be present during that talk if they want to be. If your kid is adamant about you not sharing the information, you can let them know that you’ll leave out some of the more sensitive details but that it’s your duty to give the other parent a brief overview of what you two discussed.  

It’s possible your kid still isn’t down with that plan and might feel upset. Feel free to validate their response while reminding yourself (and them!) that by sharing the important bits with the other parent, you’re modeling healthy communication across the household. This is especially important in blended families or co-parenting situations. 

2. Avoid interrogation-style check-ins. 

This is not the time to channel your inner Olivia Benson from Law & Order. When talking to your teen, avoid firing off questions like you’re interviewing a criminal. That can be annoying, exacerbate their emotions, or make them feel like they’re in trouble or did something wrong. Instead, approach this talk with a sense of curiosity that’s focused primarily on listening to how your teen is feeling. 

If you’ve noticed something seems off with your kid, you can start by thinking about how they’re not hanging out with one of their friends as much, for example. Then, you observe and see if you spot any signs, like maybe that friend is hanging out with a different crowd when you do pickup now. 

Next, you can gather more info by asking about your teen’s day in a casual way. One of the things I love to ask my child (even if nothing is obviously wrong) is: “What was your rose and thorn today?” The rose is something that makes them smile, and the thorn is a low point, like something that feels a little prickly or even hurtful. 

It might even be helpful to ask your teen if they have noticed any changes in how they’re behaving. You can bring up what you’ve observed and ask what they think about it. Try: “I noticed that when you got into the car, you weren't talking to your friend _____ like usual. Is everything OK with y’all?” And be open to the possibility that their mood lately has nothing to do with their friend. 

Or you could say, “I wanted to check in and ask how you’ve been feeling lately because I’ve been feeling down due to all the gloomy days we’ve been having.” Sometimes when you throw in a moment of vulnerability, it builds trust with teens.   

After you’ve observed what’s going on and analyzed all this information, think about if this data implies if your teen is doing well. Or does it imply they’re struggling, and what could they be struggling with? Now you can decide on your next steps. Maybe it’s just checking in more or asking them what resources they need or if they’d consider talking to a mental health professional. 

3. Validate their feelings.

Have you ever heard the “your feelings are valid but not facts” statement? Well, it’s time to sit with that. The goal should be letting your teen know that how they feel is valid and they’re not weird or wrong or silly for feeling a certain way. (If you’ve ever had your parents dismiss your feelings and say there are worse things in life, you know how crappy these conversations can go. Let’s not go down that route.)

Validating your teen’s feelings means putting yourself in their shoes, taking them seriously, and affirming how they feel. This doesn’t mean you agree with them, BTW. To show you’re there for them, you can use phrases like, “I imagine that must be hard” or “Wow that sounds challenging!” when they share. 

And it must be said: This is not the time to tell a “Back in my day…” story, which can make them feel like you’re not really hearing them and how their situation might be different and expecting them to cope just like you, which isn’t fair. 

4. Use the 1-5 scale. 

Learning how to identify your feelings takes time, and—let’s be honest—most of us struggled in this department as teens. I blame puberty, but I digress. It can also be hard to accurately note what you’re feeling because, many times, the initial feeling that you grasp onto (and can likely express a little easier) can mask what’s going on deep inside. Think about a time your friend flaked on your plans at the last minute. Yes, that was messed up and you were probably angry, but why were you angry? What else was going on? Anger can be like an iceberg, where feeling mad is just the tip, but below the surface are feelings about your relationship or yourself. Maybe you were actually disappointed because you missed this person and were looking forward to it. Or you could’ve been feeling lonely and were really counting on this hangout. 

Knowing all that, it can be more helpful to use a 1-5 scale when checking in with your kid instead of asking them to verbalize what’s going on and getting stuck when they say, “Uhhhh...” Prompt them to tell you, on a scale of 1-5 (with 1 being the worst and 5 being the best), how they’re feeling. If they say 3 or below, breaking out a feelings wheel can help them describe what’s distressing them, keep the conversation moving, and help you both figure out next steps.  

5. Ask how you can support them. 

Once you’ve done the work to check in and figure out what’s going on and how your teen is feeling, it’s time to work on solutions. While it may be tempting, don’t assume you know what’s best here. Start by asking your kid how you can support them, which will send the message that you trust them and care about their opinions, wants, and needs. You can do that by asking, “During this conversation, are you looking for me to just listen, offer advice, or problem solve with you?” 

If they don’t know, try taking a listening approach first, and then ask them what they’ve tried so far to address their issue. You may find that they’ve read articles, watched TikToks, or even tried talking to friends, another adult, or you about this before. Then, you can (gently) follow up and ask how those approaches have worked out for them and what they’ve learned so far. 

Once you have a good overview and when it’s your turn to speak, ask them again if they would like you to offer suggestions or brainstorm and research solutions with them. It’s possible just venting helped them, but if they want some actionable tips and to borrow your brain power, go forth and offer what you have! You can even try to role play a solution to their scenario, with you and your kid switching parts and debriefing what it was like, which is a great way to diffuse tension and have fun with a challenging situation.   

Let’s say your teen talks about being offered drugs. You can share some non-cringey ways for them to say no or walk through what finding a new group of friends might look like if their current crew is making them uncomfortable. If they’re actually considering trying drugs, you can ask why they’re interested in substances and then offer your two cents about why that wouldn’t be the best idea—without judging them for being curious, of course. 

Keep in mind that even if you’re totally open to helping, your teen might just want to talk to someone else, like a therapist, so be prepared to help them make an appointment or find other supportive resources.

6. Be OK saying, “I don’t know.”

When you have an open line of communication with your teen, there may be times when they actually *gasp!* come to you for advice. There’s also a chance that you have no clue what to say because their situation is something you never experienced. Maybe they’re dealing with cyberbullying but your social media expertise stops at sending funny animal videos to your friends, and back in your day, the bullying ceased when the bell rang at 3 p.m. But just because you’ve never been there, done that before doesn’t mean you can’t figure it out together and brainstorm a solution that could actually work. 

In these cases, try modeling problem solving skills. That could look like noticing that your teen is upset while discussing the problem and modeling deep breathing to bring them back to a state of calm and discussing solutions after everyone has cooled off. You could even walk them through a pros-and-cons list for the different actions they want to take to solve a problem. For example, what might confronting your bully look like? What would ignoring them look like? And sometimes, a good ol’ this-sucks-let’s-commiserate moment helps too because the only way out is through, and helping them feel their emotions can lead to clarity. 

Ultimately, saying you don’t know something humanizes you, puts things into perspective for your kid, and encourages them to express their emotions while feeling empowered to work on a fix. We all struggle, and we all have had times where we didn’t know what to do. Normalizing that decreases judgment and creates an opportunity for more open dialogues. 

7. Name their strengths. 

When teens are faced with challenges, it can feel overwhelming and like they aren’t capable of handling it. (The same is true for all ages, TBH.) But this is a great opportunity to remind them of how strong they are and point out what they’re good at, which will encourage them to use their strengths to get through the situation. 

Let’s say your teen is struggling with anxiety. Let them know they have the ability to calm themselves down by using coping skills like deep breathing. Or if your teen is grieving a friendship breakup, remind them how good of a friend they are and how anyone would be lucky to be their pal. Hearing these positive statements can give them the confidence to make whatever changes they need to. 

Bonus: You can even slip in a mention of how good they are at showing their emotions and talking to someone about them. You might get hit with a “bruh” and an eye roll, but at least they’ll know their parent sees their mental and emotional strength and will understand that being vulnerable is something to be proud of.  

8. Bring in extra help if needed. 

If your teen gives you the cold shoulder and isn’t down to talk, don’t take it personally. Easier said than done, but remember you probably don’t tell everyone everything about you, so let’s validate that for teens too. 

If they’re not willing to talk but you’re concerned about them, let them know that and offer alternatives to speaking to you. You could say, “Hey I’ve noticed that you have been coming home and going straight to your room. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to me, I want to encourage you to meet with your school counselor.” If there’s another adult in the family that you know your teen is close to, tell your kid they can reach out to them and that you can coordinate the call if needed. 

When your teen is against every suggestion, then you can offer to take them to therapy, especially if you think their mental health is fragile. You’ll want to find a therapist that specializes in children and young adults, and when you go, sit outside the office and give them some space. Your kid might not like therapy at first, and if they don’t, ask why. They might need a different therapist or approach to the sessions, and it’s better to get them connected with someone they mesh with sooner rather than later. JFYI: If you think your kid needs immediate attention, like if their well-being or life is in danger, remember that crisis hotlines, like 988, and emergency services are available. 

Even though you may need to outsource some help, continue showering your teen with love and support. It might just take time for them to open up to you directly.