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6 Signs You’re Actually Ready for a Relationship

Read this before downloading the apps again. ByMaybelle Morgan

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Thanks to apps, meddling relatives, speed dating events, reality shows, and pickleball courts, there are so many ways to find potential baes. But once you’re on those dates? It becomes so clear that not everyone is ready to be out in these streets. (Yep, talking about you, person who mentioned their ex 13 times in the first 10 minutes.) While it might be fairly easy to spot someone who could benefit from more time developing as a party of one, it’s harder to answer, Am I ready for a relationship?

Being emotionally and mentally prepared to date generally means being self-aware and having self-compassion, says Todd Baratz, LMHC, licensed psychotherapist and author of How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind. “The more we are able to connect with ourselves, the better we are able to connect with others,” Baratz says.

When your relationship with yourself is solid, it can impact the trajectory of a connection. For example, feeling secure with who you are can help you quickly sift through people who aren’t compatible with you. (Hallelujah for less time spent swiping.) This is true for any connection, whether it be sexual or emotional, and can help to create longer, more satisfying relationships,  says Baratz.

Being ~ready~ also means feeling like you live up to your own standards, adds Moe Ari Brown, LMFT, therapist and Hinge’s Love and Connection expert. If you want a relationship that feels consistent, provides quality time, and includes lots of vulnerability, you have to be willing to provide those things as well, says Brown. 

On the flip side, if you’re in an emotionally vulnerable spot, feeling unstable with your mental health or life, or dealing with struggles like addiction, dating might not be the healthiest thing right now, says Baratz. Translation: You might be ~unready~ to date.

If you forge ahead anyway, you run the risk of feeling triggered by basically anything and everything as you meet new people, Baratz says. Dating when you’re not OK or committed to the process of becoming OK can lead to overwhelm, burnout, and a bruised self-esteem, adds therapist Georgina Sturmer, MBACP.

But, you don’t need to be at your “best” or love every part of yourself to deserve or find companionship. “I like to think that everybody is relationship ready,” Baratz says, adding that “relationships are one of the best mirrors for us to understand ourselves.” So it isn’t a matter of doing self-awareness first and then pursuing relationships. You can do both at the same time! 

If you’re currently wondering whether you’re actually ready to get out there, we asked experts for the signs indicating you should go for it. Of course, dating is a deeply personal process. So even if you don’t resonate with all (or any) of these green flags, it doesn’t mean give up forever. “If you’re willing to learn, you often have more ability to grow, collaborate, and co-create a relationship with another person,” says Brown.

1. You have the right intentions. 

If you’ve ever watched The Bachelor franchise, you know there’s plenty of contestants who are there for the wrong reasons. Off TV, though, not-so-great motivations to date can include not wanting to die alone, wanting to make others (like your parents) happy, or hoping to make your ex jealous, Sturmer says. No shame if that’s your mindset, but it’s not going to help you through yet another talking stage. “These all suggest an underlying fear and anxiety about being single,” Baratz says, adding that when those are your driving forces, you could end up stuck in unhealthy partnerships, ignoring your own needs, and avoiding moving on. 

Instead, it’s generally better to approach relationships from a place of knowing that you can still be a secure, happy person even if you’re single. More solid intentions can look like wanting to share your love with others, wanting to start a family, or wanting a life partner to grow with. When you consider your end game first, you won’t date someone just because you like the idea of them and what they can do for you; that’s a d*ck move, TBH.  

2. You understand who you are.  

Building a strong bond where you feel understood and fulfilled can be tough if you don’t even have clarity on who you are, your romantic and sexual history, past and current challenges, family dynamics, and intergenerational history, Baratz explains. 

And that tracks. “When we don’t fully understand how our life experiences, traumas, previous relationships, and families influence us, how we show up in our romantic partnerships will likely be a continuation of whatever role we played in those previous relationships,” Brown says. 

If you haven’t, spend some time unpacking your past to avoid repeating those unhelpful communication and attachment patterns. Here are some questions you could mull over, courtesy of Brown: 

1. What lessons did I learn about love from my family of origin? 
2. What did my family of origin teach me about disagreements and conflict? How were conflicts navigated?
3. How have I navigated conflict in my previous (romantic or platonic) relationships?
4. Did I feel seen, validated, and affirmed when I shared my feelings as a child?
5. Since then, have I felt seen, validated, and affirmed when I shared my feelings in (romantic or platonic) relationships?
6. How do I typically respond when others are crying or expressing heightened emotions? What could be influencing my response?
7. What have my previous dates or romantic relationships taught me about love?

3. You know what you’re looking for. 

Playing the field to learn more about your likes and dislikes isn’t a bad thing—dating can teach you a lot about yourself! But realizing what you want and aren’t willing to compromise on can help you narrow down your options and move with intention, saving you and your suitors time, overwhelm, confusion, and heartache, psychotherapist Gloria Zhang, MA, RP adds. For example, if you’re really passionate about having six kids, it might be better to talk to people who aren’t iffy on the whole parenting thing. 

If you have no clue what you like or need, Baratz and Brown suggest thinking about these questions, which can help you figure out what feels good to you: 

1. What triggers me about dating and starting new relationships?
2. How do I want to handle conflict and disagreements in a relationship?
3. What activities or interests do I want to share with my partner?
4. How much alone time do I need to feel balanced and happy?
5. What are my long-term goals, and how do I want a relationship to support them?
6. How can I better communicate my preferences on texting and ongoing communication?
7. What comes to mind when I visualize myself happy and fulfilled in a relationship? What do I notice about my partner, myself, and other aspects of my life?
8. What kind of partner do I wish to be in a relationship? What standards would I need to set for myself and the relationship in order to be this kind of partner?
9. What are my dating intentions?
10. What are my strengths and growth opportunities in relationships?
11. Without focusing on physical traits, what qualities does the partner I envision possess?

 4. You can separate past hurts from new people. 

It sounds obvious, but dating too soon after a breakup can do more harm than good, especially if you ended things on bad terms, Sturmer says. If you haven’t taken enough time and space to heal and work through any lingering issues, you might backslide into old trauma responses and negative thought patterns, like feeling suspicious of your current partner (even though they’re the epitome of a green flag), feeling insecure, or people pleasing to keep the peace. Recognizing the struggles you faced in past relationships and facing them head on is crucial for getting out there again. Processing your last breakup and how it made you feel before jumping into something new will give you more peace of mind and your new connections the best chance of success, Sturmer says. 

A pretty good indicator that you aren’t operating in defensive mode is that you can acknowledge the good and the bad of your past relationship while still feeling genuinely excited and hopeful that your next relationship can work, she adds. When you can do that, you’re able to look at this new person with a fresh perspective. 

5. You can manage your triggers. 

There is no doubt about it: We all have triggers thanks to old emotional wounds, and dating is bound to trigger the f*ck out of you. “When we’re in emotionally risky and vulnerable places, there is more potential to be triggered,” Baratz says, adding, “This can happen during interactions where we are confused, dislike someone, face rejection, are the ones doing the rejecting, encounter conflict, find our needs aren’t being fulfilled, or have to communicate our needs.” 

Knowing and managing your triggers can help prevent those issues from derailing your mood or connection, Baratz explains. You can rationally work through those struggles on your own through techniques like journaling, scheduling worry time to prevent rumination, fact-checking negative or irrational thoughts, and deep breathing (inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds, exhale slowly through your mouth), Baratz suggests. 

Obviously, therapy can help too, especially if you have intersecting identities that might impact how you relate to others and vice versa, Zhang adds.

6. You accept the horrors of dating. 

You know you’re ready to dive into the dating pool when you accept that it can be a challenging, exhausting shitshow and want to show up authentically and find love whether a connection lasts a week or 10 years, Baratz says. That’s a nod to your resilience, ability to learn from setbacks, vulnerability, and open mind—all great qualities for weathering the ups and downs of a relationship and building strong bonds, he adds. 

When you take this realistic approach (meaning, you don’t get distressed when a match doesn’t turn out to be your soul mate, for example), that also means you’re less likely to feel panicked or rushed into committing to someone who is all wrong for you. Then, you have the energy to keep looking for the right one, Baratz adds.

If you need help getting into this optimistic mindset, see if you can reframe your last less-than-ideal rendezvous and find the positives. Did you make a new friend? Understand your wants and needs a little more? Feel inspired by this person’s motivation? Get a funny story out of it? This isn’t to sugarcoat the struggles of dating, but when you surrender to the imperfect process, you become more flexible and can enjoy the process (which can lead to a variety of unexpected connections and experiences) rather than be fixated on the outcome, Baratz says.

The bottom line: Even if you don’t necessarily subscribe to all of these signs, that doesn’t make you undateable. But if you want to work on inching closer to these qualities and getting to know yourself better before connecting with someone else, go for it.