I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about crushes that can make me—and I’m guessing you—act totally out of character. I’ve visibly changed color at the casual mention of someone’s name and spent too much time creeping on a crush’s Instagram…and the accounts of everyone they’ve ever tagged. Being intensely infatuated with someone has not resulted in my finest moments.
But it’s not my fault or yours! Though crushes can be a major source of embarrassment and are often linked to raging teenage hormones, they can happen whether puberty is a recent occurrence or something you’ve conveniently blocked out. They can also strike when you’re in a relationship with someone else, even a completely committed one. Hope you feel validated by that.
Yes, having an all-consuming crush is normal, and it’s one of the ways our minds seek connection with others—a very important thing we need to survive. Still, being really, really into someone can be an emotional rollercoaster, making you feel anxious, stressed, insecure, and lots of other uncomfortable emotions. Whether you want to make a move or not, those feelings aren’t exactly helpful.
So what’s really going on in our brains when bae walks in? Here we asked the experts to explain why we get crushes, how they alter our brain chemistry, and how to chill out.
Why you’re crushing
Because they’re, like, a total babe! But seriously—crushes can develop for all the obvious reasons (you find them cute/funny/smart/interesting/etc.) and for some less obvious biological ones. For instance, humans are social creatures bound to love, connect, and chase a sense of support, belonging, and safety, says Stephanie Cacioppo, PhD, neuroscientist and author of Wired for Love. Being attracted to someone can push us to link up with them, enabling us to enjoy those social benefits. Plus, there’s an evolutionary aspect at play: Desiring someone in a romantic, sexual way makes us more likely to reproduce and continue the existence of our species, per a 2021 review of research on romantic love (which, sure, could include crushes!).
How crushes mess with your mind
If it seems to you that experiencing lust, attraction, and attachment all at the same time (aka crushing on someone) does something to your brain, you’re not wrong! Granted much of what we know about how crushes impact our brain comes from studies about people in love. So, you know, grain of salt for the rest of us with casual crushes. But as Dr. Cacioppo’s 2010 review suggests, when you love someone (and, OK, maybe even just really like them), the reward system in your brain is more active (in case you care, we’re talking about the caudate nucleus, putamen, and ventral tegmental area). This reward system is related to some feel-good hormones you might have heard of: oxytocin and dopamine. Plus, a 2022 review of studies about attraction suggests that when you see someone you consider hot, the nucleus accumbens and medial orbitofrontal cortex light up, and those are also part of the brain’s reward system.
If having a crush or talking to them is stressful for you, you can also expect adrenaline levels to bubble up, which can make you feel aroused or even more attracted to someone, per a 2018 review article. That adrenaline spike also explains how you might feel flushed, warm, and all sweaty and weird in front of your crush, Dr. Cacioppo continues
With all that going on, having a crush can often give you a sense of intense euphoria and giddiness that makes you feel bonded to someone (even if you barely know them) and maybe a little obsessed with them, Dr. Cacioppo explains.
All that science aside, there’s another reason that crushes can sometimes feel more intense and all-consuming than a legit relationship: It’s easier to romanticize the future and overestimate the love potential with someone you barely know, explains sex therapist Donna Oriowo, PhD, LICSW. Basically, there’s more room to project your wildest fantasies onto this person when you don’t share a bathroom with them or have a history of fighting with each other in line at Starbucks. Being able to just dream about the potential rather than facing reality can make you happier and downright euphoric, she adds.
Finally, being around a crush might make you feel insecure or unsure of how to be yourself, Dr. Oriowo explains. When you’re infatuated with someone, you often start thinking more about what they want from you or if they could want you at all, she says. Next thing you know, you’re laughing way too hard at their puns and “getting into rock climbing.” Nightmare fuel.
How to chill out when the pining gets too intense
An innocent crush could easily spiral into thinking about them nonstop, ditching other commitments to be around them, and getting anxious about your interactions with them (or lack thereof)—the list goes on. It can become an obsession of sorts that’s hard to tear yourself away from, Dr. Oriowo says. That longing can make getting on with your life difficult. If you can relate, here’s how to keep those crushing thoughts at bay.
1. Schedule crush time.
Setting a designated time to fantasize about your person lets you indulge in that euphoric dream world while enabling you to focus the rest of the day. You’re getting the romanticizing out of your system. So, consider this permission to let your mind wander through rom-com-worthy scenarios for about 15 minutes during your commute, lunchtime, or evening walk, Dr. Oriowo suggests.
Crush time could also look like texting a friend to talk to about how cute someone is and the way their “eyelashes eyelash,” Dr. Oriowo encourages. “Just have fun with it.” Or maybe you turn on that playlist or song that makes you think of them (you know you have one) or write some poetry or perhaps some hard-launch Insta captions. Do whatever works for you.
2. Say what’s on your mind.
This tip is probably the scariest because it involves (dun dun dun) telling the object of your affection how you feel and facing the risk of rejection. But when you talk about your emotions, they no longer occupy so much mental real estate, and this can help diffuse your infatuation, Dr. Oriowo says. So go ahead and have an actual conversation where you tell your crush what’s up and give them space to respond.
You could start by saying, “This might seem random, but I want you to know that I like you,” and then throw them a compliment. If the response isn’t something Bridgerton-worthy, at least you know where you stand and can start to move on. If they’re all “I burn for you,” then we’ll take an invite to the wedding.
One little caveat: You might be crushing on someone who is actually off-limits. Like, maybe they’re your boss or you’re already in a relationship. In that case, you probably shouldn’t say anything to them, Dr. Oriowo says. Instead, you could journal out what you would say, or share it with your dog, a friend who gets you, or a therapist. Even solo role-playing how that interaction might go down could ease your intense feelings, Dr. Oriowo explains. Sweet relief!
3. Make this a learning lesson.
Even if you kind of hate the version of yourself consumed by a crush, they can teach you about what you admire in other people, like manners or a love for animals. Wisdom!
Or maybe it’s not that deep—you just think their sleeper build is hot, and that’s knowledge too. “It's not always about what you can get out of the person. Sometimes you can just enjoy that you like somebody or that you've noticed somebody enough to like them.” Dr. Oriowo shares.
Plus, pinpointing what you like about someone can take your dating game to the next level because you now have a better idea of what you want from a potential partner. If you’re already in a relationship, you might learn what you want more or less of in your partnership.
The bottom line: You’re totally correct if you think having a crush alters your brain, but unless fantasizing about them is ruining other parts of your life, you’re all good to drift off to sleep thinking about their eyelashes eyelashing.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
